starting over..

2008-03-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

"failure is success when you learn from it"

I have been insane for hiding for so long after my failure. It has been hard for me to continue and just forget everything that has happened. How can i forget and give up something that i worked hard on? I gave everything, i sacrificed my time with my friends to be able to do my job as a leader. i strived hard and done my best to be the one SHe needed. I may be wrong to be expecting to be the one, but don't i deserve it?for doing all the hardwork? for giving my all?for doing everything for her?She promised me. Well i guess i didn't know her enough to actually know that she wouldn't entrust the job to me. It's just really painful on my part because i know that deserve it. I deserve to be the one chosen for the job.I deserve to be the song leader.

I can't move on, i can't move forward with my life because i can't help but think about it everyday.Think about how i failed not only as a person but also as a daughter. I really wanted my parents to be proud of me, to finally have an achievement and to finally be able to say that for once in my life I did not fail. I was dreaming to be the song leader since freshmen year and i tried everything,done everything to be the best. But i wasn't enough. I was never good enough. I cried every night after she told me that i wouldn't be the one. she said she was sorry but what can that single word do with a dream that has been shattered into pieces. I have forgiven her for not choosing me but i can't forgive her for breaking her promise to me. I may have misunderstood her when she said that i would be the song leader a year ago, and when she reminded me last June about it. Maybe it wasn't a promise but still. She told me to do my best this year and I did. Well i'm not exactly an oustanding student but i balanced my extra-curricular activities and my academics, and my grades were okay. I never really thought that it would matter if I'm an outstanding student or not because being a song leader doesn't require you to be like that. What I mean is even as an average student you can still be chosen to do the job if you can do it. I don't have any grudges to the one chosen to be the song leader because it wasn't her fault if she was chosen right? I'm just saddened with what has happened because I really thought that I can trust Her. I really thought that she wasn't only my teacher,my mentor but also my friend. I mean regardless of her promise, no matter how you look at it "pinaAsa pa rin niya ako" She should've never gave me hope so that in return i wouldn't have expected it.Its not the fame i'm after and not even the good name it will give me if i was chosen. I wanted it because it was my passion. I sing because I love to sing, and being a song leader requires not only singing but having a passion to do it.I really wanted to give inspiration to people, to be able to share what i have, to be able to teach them..to actually make a difference.

After almost a week now i'm trying to move on, to move forward. I just needed time to think and be thankful for all the blessings God has given me. In the process of my pain i questioned God and i pushed people away,now i know what i did was wrong. It was nobody's fault that i experienced pain. Maybe it wasn't Her intention to hurt me and that maybe it just wasn't for me. Yes, i consider this my failure but i know that through this i can learn, i can be better. God has his reasons for giving this to me. I may have been wounded with what has happened but i know that in time i will be healed. I hope that even if i wasn't chosen i can still inspire people in a different way. My failure will one day be my success if i will fully learn from it. I know i will, I'm almost there.

"Try not to become a man of success but a man of value."

-Albert Einstein

singing my heart out

starting over..